The Christian Culture Survival Guide

Before Christmas, Relevant Magazine‘s online store had a 12 Days of Christmas event.  Early on in their event, they had a wonderful deal.  All RelevantBooks were on sale for $5.  I bought nearly every single book they had, 12 of them in all I believe.

So far, I’ve read through four of them.

  1. The Christian Culture Survival Guide by Matthew Paul Turner
  2. The Pocket Guide to Adulthood By Jason Boyett
  3. All the Hits So Far by Bradley Hataway
  4. Cheap Ways to… by Jason Boyett and various authors

Although Cheap Ways to… is a great book (I now know how I am going to propose to my future wife 🙂 ), my favorite, by far, is The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

I have to be honest with you.  At first, I thought it would be a cheesy book that was a waste of $5 of my hard earned cash.  But, I can say, as I am on the other side of the book, that it is in fact a very good book for a new Christian (and those who want to look at Christian culture in a humorous light).

Throughout the book, Matthew Paul Turner (from now on, known as MPT) discusses various areas of Christian culture, anything from “The Church” to “Boycotts and Extremes” to even “The Dating and Sex Chapter [PG-13]).  In each of the chapters mentioned (and those not), MPT talks about some of the experiences he has had, some humorous, some sad, and some, honestly, are quite disappointing.

MPT talks about a new church that opened up in his childhood and the experience of meeting the new pastor.  He talks about different boycotts and the hypocrisy found in them (families avoiding Disney movies, yet going to Disney Land or World.  I mean honestly, where are they going to make more money??!!??)

My favorite part of the book was “The Dating and Sex [PG-13]” chapter, and no, not because it deals with sex 😉  I liked this part, because he talked about different types of people in the dating realm.  Here’s the excerpt:

Seven types of Guys (For girls to choose from) in Christian Culture

  1. The Jesus Jock-This young man is instantly recognizable by his involvement in everything that’s Christian.  From FCA to Young Life to BSU, the Jesus Jock is the unapproachable young steed who is nice to everybody, declared the ultimate prize by most girls, and would never lower himself to dating just anybody.  His handsome good looks, kind smile, and incessant use of the phrase, “Praise God!” make this young man nauseatingly perfect.
  2. The Unattractive Nice Guy-He’s the guy you want to have as a best friend, but girls cringe at the thought of sharing a bed with him.  Instead of girls giving him handshakes and hugs, this young man gets pats on the back and distant hellos.  Sometimes appearing rather desperate, this “in-love-with-the-Lord” backward fellow has a hard time relating in groups of more than three people.  Having read the Bible completely through at least two times, the Unattractive Nice Guy is a spiritual brain worthy of everyone’s attention.
  3. The “Do You Think…?” Guy-There’s always one guy in the church who has the annoyingly obvious feminine lisp, sings in every choir, hangs out with all of the awkward girls, and gets beat up at least once by somebody much bigger than him.  Oh, and yeah, most people think he is gay or somewhat bi-curious.  We don’t find out the truth until years later when he’ll either show up in church with hsi wife and three kids or wearing a skin-tight black shirt, bleached-blond hair, and an “oh gosh, the pastor’s suit is just dreadful” look on his face.
  4. The Big Brother-Everyone’s favorite normal-looking young man is well-mannered and a decent student of the Bible.  He’s pretty much off-limits when it comes to dating because he has had a steady girlfriend since he was seventeen years old.  He plans to be married after graduating from college.
  5. The Bad “Christian” Boy-He’s been going to church since he could pronounce the word “Jesus.”  Prone to trouble, his high school years were spent drugging and drinking it up.  Because of his problem, he was kicked out of private school and set to public school.  Although he overcame his issue with addictions and returned to his faith, he never finished college, so he works for a construction company making ten dollars an hour.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
  6. The My So-Called Life Musical Guy-His shoulder-length hair always seems to be on the verge of greasy as it constantly falls into his face.  He pretends to love Mozart and Nirvana, and acts intellectual by asking the Sunday school teacher ridiculous questions that rarely make much sense.  He usually has his own church harem of female “followers” who secretly want to date him, and there’s always one guy who follows him around wanting to be just like him.
  7. The Extreme Guy-He started skateboarding the same year he learned John 3:16.  He’s usually the first guy the youth pastor takes under his wing.  Although he makes a decision for Jesus at almost every youth retreat or conference, his church attendance is frequently interrupted by snowboarding trips, late-night video game rallies, and rock climbing exhibitions.  After graduating from college, God usually leads this young man into youth ministry.  He ends up marrying an “I went to New York City and failed” supermodel and moving to some place like Utah or Nevada to work at a Christian camp.

Eight types of girls (for guys to choose from) in Christian Culture

  1. The Jesus Cheerleader-Cute.  Self-confident.  Boisterous.  The Jesus Cheerleader is the girl who’s always first in line for Christian concert tickets, volunteer groups, and youth Bible studies.  With a kick-butt smile and a perky personality, the J.C.. female finds the good in just about everything.  Although she’s not necessarily the Bible whiz, her killer grin makes her the perfect candidate for the Sunday school teacher’s pet.  Often prone to kiss dating goodbye, the J.C. usually remains single until she meets the “big brother” man of her dreams while on a mission trip in Bolivia or Kenya
  2. The Tomboy-This young “sometimes masculine” woman is quiet and reserved.  She prefers playing soccer over taking ballet, and she’s usually the star pitcher on the church-sponsored softball team.  The Tomboy is usually the only girl strong enough or willing to brave the mosh pit at a P.O.D. or Skillet concert.  Rarely one to date, she’ll happily wrestle with you and is quite comfortable with you calling her by her last name.
  3. The Early Bloomer-There’s always one girl in youth group who has had “bosoms” since she was eight years old.  As the young men’s favorite girl until about 10th grade, this girl unfortunately ends up with the “I’ve kissed all of the cute guys in youth group” reputation.  The Early Bloomer has a tendency to break down and cry in front of her girls’ small group and confess her “physical” exploits.  The room full of girls usually loves her back into the flock, but talks about her behind her back.  She becomes bitter, leaves church, marries a jerk, and usually doesn’t return to her faith until her late-twenties.
  4. Miss Codependent-Her parents have sheltered her from everything, including spiritual and emotional stability and healthy eating habits.  Miss Codependent is the pimple faced girl who knows most of the answers to the Bible quiz questions, yet won’t answer the question until she’s asked to.  Her quiet spirit, masqueraded as humility, usually becomes reliant and defined by her latest crush.  Always prone to chase after the most popular guy in youth group, she becomes obsessed with calling his cell phone and emailing him.  The worst “Miss Codependent” will eventually start falling asleep in church and “accidentlly” whispering her current love’s name-just for the attention.
  5. The Home School Girl-She’s the meek girl who is always carrying around a copy of Great Expectations or Pilgram’s Progress.  She participates in ballet, gymnastics, karate, acting classes, chess tournaments, and piano recitals, and she rejects using make-up and dying her hair.  Guys usually find this young lady intriguing and mysterious-when she’s not wearing her thick glasses.  Often not allowed to date until she turns 19, the Home School Girl usually decides for herself not to date until she’s 22.
  6. The Sweet Innocent One-She’s the first one to say hello to you when you’re the “new guy” in church.  She’s cute, bubbly, and a Bible champ.  Every guy in youth group asks her out to “alternative” prom night, but she patiently waits to say “yes” until her ultimate vision of a man asks her out.  She doesn’t kiss on the third date, and second base is completely not in scheme of thinking.  In college, the Sweet Innocent One joins the Christian sorority, where for the first time she meets girls who have drunk beer and had sex.
  7. “All About ME” Girl-You will usually find the All About Me Girl heading up the praise band, making a dramatic display of lifted hands and desperate facial expressions.  After asking how you are, she barely waits for an answer before launching into a passionate story about her trying week and the persecution she is enduring.  All About Me Girl stars in all ministry promotional videos and usually ends up with a very quiet, introverted guy.
  8. The Premature Mother-Often the quiet backbone of any church group, the Premature Mother is always the one to whip up the potato salad at any event, and you’ll find her washing the dishes and sweeping out the church bus afterwards.  She’s the one to see about securing a Band-Aid or some Advil.  Mature beyond her years, she intimidates the guys and usually ends up with someone about five to ten years her senior.

-From The Christian Culture Survival Guide by Matthew Paul Turner.

Well, there you have it.

Some funny, funny stuff.

Which one are you?


About Zach Younkin

I'm currently enrolled at Western Governors University, pursuing my degree in Accounting. I'm hoping that this blog provides you with some encouragement to be what God has promised you. This blog collects dust, which is unfortunate. Keep your eyes open for some sporadic blog posts. I spend more time on Twitter, so go follow me there. @zachyounkin
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2 Responses to The Christian Culture Survival Guide

  1. maharajazhou says:

    Hi you stupid, fuckin’ blog owner. Your blog sucks. A spam blog. WordPress should delete it. Mine is much better. Visit and leave a comment there.

  2. zachyounkin says:

    Hi, Nice to meet you Maharajazhou.

    I hope you have a wonderful day!

    Maybe we can chat sometime?

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